May 2013, here i have an absurdity, at least.
First to say im doing nothing, and i miss everything. Including my childhood. When was the last time the typical college student like me dug up worms or played on grounds or running around the houses? Judging by some of the campuses I have been to, probably not long enough ago. But to be honest may be its 15 years ago. I dont know what bring me into my childhood memories, but i guess because currently im lonely. What i have here is the same blurring of decades, the corruption of the present time with both unreachable, even self-destructive dreams, which are laid out in a kind of cynical satire, and nostalgia for purer times. Im not sure what im doing right now. I have glimpsed all i can at this point.
Second thing that bother me so much in this month are people. I’ve noticed that people around you treat you as if you were still the person they spoke to six months ago. I had so much hard time to socialize with people. I cant stand to see people or walking around the street, even i cant bear to see my friends. I know something wrong with me. And there is a person that always appeared so many nights in my dream as nightmare. Now, remember that me and that person were walking in a beach together. We’re looking up at one shore and quailing at the one we cannot turn to face again. We remember what we saw from up there, and want to believe that, despite what we’ve seen, there might be some good in the world. But everthings changed now. I wish we could bear to see each other again. I think, thats not gonna happen. And i figured that there is one time in your life that you should forget everything. You cant keep them despite they are precious.
Third. The white hole in my heart is getting larger, and I think it would do some good to rise out. I know it. Lion can’t stand being in such dreary places for so long. But, time is stopping me. I really wish that time is running so fast and let my despair world disappear and welcoming my new bright world. I looked out the window much in those days, waiting. I realized that something beyond my power.
Sorry for the brevity and choppiness of this post. I must spend the rest of the evening reestablishing. May is ended in two weeks, and i can be happy for that. I’m already missing Riau, but far less than I am used to, and I can be thankful for that.